Why Did Daddy Leave?

Some times I truly believe that parents whether one-parent or two-parents don’t realize what they say affects their children in many ways some times right away sometimes for years to come. For instance in divorces or a breakup when a child (or children) is with their mom or dad and they begin to bad mouth the other parent who left as though their child is their friend or confidant. Or they chose to tell their child why the divorce happened, how wrong the other parent is and how hateful they are is sad. The child is going through enough they do not need to hear negative hurtful things on top of that.  The other talk that a parent has with their child about the parent that left is how they (the other parent) did not want them or could not fit them into their new life. I’ve seen a  parent go as far as hiding letters from the other parent. You can read some stories here: http://www.children-and-divorce.com/child-divorce-story-of-miranda-b.html). This is so sad to believe that a grown up can do this with their child (children).

Let’s always remember our children are the innocent individuals of the divorce they did not ask to be a part of it and they should not be brought into it. I don’t care how old they are they do not need to know the gory details of our break-ups!

If there is a break-up of a marriage or partnership lets be strong enough to keep our children out of it; let’s try to not make our kids our buddy who we can confide in. Instead let’s help them through this horrible thing the very fact that their family is breaking up is huge event in their lives we do not need to make them a pawn in our game. Not to mention it is a game that no one ever really wins at! To hear how adult children grow up feeling and dealing with issues that stem back to their parents divorce is sad. Or to hear how an adult child learns that their dad always tried to connect with them but their mother never allowed it to happen is heart breaking. Or how the non-custodial parent is giving their fare share and is trying to be there for their children by taking them to school and giving extra money to the other parent is still not good enough. Because the parent who has the kids continues to talk bad about the other parent to their children giving fuel the children to dislike the other parent. So sad! Unless the divorce was due to some sort of danger to the child do not make your issues about the other parent become your child’s issue.

I made it a point of never telling my kids anything about our divorce. The reason was a grown up issue a parent issue and it had nothing to do with our children. I also did not make it a point of ever saying anything bad about their dad nor did I allow anyone else to say anything bad about their dad ever. From time to time my kids would ask why their dad and I got a divorce and my reply to them was always the same… if you really want to know and you are ready to hear the truth I will tell you but you really need to be ready to hear the truth. If you are not ready to hear grown up things that is OK, then go play – they would stop and think for a moment and would always run off to play instead. I was glad that it turned out that way always because if they said they wanted to hear I was not going to tell them anyway. It was not till they each graduated from high school that independently they asked why we did their dad and I divorce? They each added that they indeed were now the real reason and not the made up story they had in their mind.

When my son was younger he would ask over an over again if his daddy left because I said “oh baloney” to him? I always told him no and then I made sure never to say that to my son because I guess I had said it to his dad. I never wanted him to think that if I said “oh baloney” he would be gone. Once I would tell my son that was not the reason he would say “OK” and run off to play.

What are your thoughts about this subject? Please feel free to leave a comment, it would be appreciated.

My ex did not live in the same state as us and that had its good points and bad points but I always encouraged him to call the kids as often as possible. The calls came in at first once a week then every other week then shortly maybe once month. They did not see him for till about a year later then after that not till nine years later. If my kids wanted to send him a gift or write a letter or send a picture I always helped them to do so. I never wanted them to feel that I was keeping them away from him. Unfortunately since their never received much contact except for once a year at Christmas my kids stopped wanting to send him things or try to call him. However, even than I never talked bad about their dad nor allowed anyone to say anything bad about him to them. My kids tell me that they are glad that I never did say bad things about their dad. Now as they are older they have each tried to rebuild a relationship with their dad and he is trying to bridge the gap he created with them.

This is just one of the issues Parenting On Your Own is going to be dealing with in terms of how to help a parent navigate through the road map of divorce or a breakup and how to do it with the least amount of anxiety to the child then what they will already be feeling. Stay tuned the Launch will be in late November.

This is our kids just before the our divorce happened weren't they two adorable little kids? They loved their dad and their mom. It was heart wrenching enough to watch them go through the divorce I did not want to add anything more that would only add to their poor little broken hearts. I did not want them to think or feel that it was their fault that their dad left I made sure of that. Though this issue would pop up from time to time and we would deal with it each time that it did.

The smiles on their little faces back then would turn into sad little faces but we worked through it all. I read books on divorce and children, I went to counseling, took the kids to a couple of counseling sessions and I joined some groups as well. I wanted to learn how to cope and deal for myself as well as for my children. And, I must say I am pretty darn proud of my two kids they are the best despite the divorce we all went through!      

FYI I also never told them that their dad was confused and that he really did love them in his own kind of way. I did not tell them anything like that because I did not want them growing up thinking that love meant it was OK to be hurt, sad and confused. That it was OK to be a dad and not be a part of their children’s lives. I can’t tell you how many adults I have spoken to who have issues with showing love and giving love because they had a parent who was not in their life. I shall save this topic for another day.

What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment and let me know what you think or what your thought is on the subject!

And, so it goes…