Some times I truly believe that parents whether one-parent
or two-parents don’t realize what they say affects their children in many ways
some times right away sometimes for years to come. For instance in divorces or
a breakup when a child (or children) is with their mom or dad and they begin to
bad mouth the other parent who left as though their child is their friend or
confidant. Or they chose to tell their child why the divorce happened, how
wrong the other parent is and how hateful they are is sad. The child is going
through enough they do not need to hear negative hurtful things on top of that.
The other talk that a parent has with
their child about the parent that left is how they (the other parent) did not
want them or could not fit them into their new life. I’ve seen a parent go as far as hiding letters from the
other parent. You can read some stories here:
http://www.children-and-divorce.com/child-divorce-story-of-miranda-b.html).
This is so sad to believe that a grown up can do this with their child (children).
Let’s always remember our children are the innocent
individuals of the divorce they did not ask to be a part of it and they should
not be brought into it. I don’t care how old they are they do not need to know
the gory details of our break-ups!
If there is a break-up of a marriage or partnership lets be
strong enough to keep our children out of it; let’s try to not make our kids
our buddy who we can confide in. Instead let’s help them through this horrible thing
the very fact that their family is breaking up is huge event in their lives we
do not need to make them a pawn in our game. Not to mention it is a game that
no one ever really wins at! To hear how adult children grow up feeling and
dealing with issues that stem back to their parents divorce is sad. Or to hear
how an adult child learns that their dad always tried to connect with them but
their mother never allowed it to happen is heart breaking. Or how the
non-custodial parent is giving their fare share and is trying to be there for
their children by taking them to school and giving extra money to the other
parent is still not good enough. Because the parent who has the kids continues
to talk bad about the other parent to their children giving fuel the children
to dislike the other parent. So sad! Unless the divorce was due to some sort of
danger to the child do not make your issues about the other parent become your
child’s issue.
I made it a point of never telling my kids anything about our
divorce. The reason was a grown up issue a parent issue and it had nothing to
do with our children. I also did not make it a point of ever saying anything
bad about their dad nor did I allow anyone else to say anything bad about their
dad ever. From time to time my kids would ask why their dad and I got a divorce
and my reply to them was always the same… if you really want to know and you
are ready to hear the truth I will tell you but you really need to be ready to
hear the truth. If you are not ready to hear grown up things that is OK, then go
play – they would stop and think for a moment and would always run off to play
instead. I was glad that it turned out that way always because if they said
they wanted to hear I was not going to tell them anyway. It was not till they
each graduated from high school that independently they asked why we did their
dad and I divorce? They each added that they indeed were now the real reason and
not the made up story they had in their mind.
When my son was younger he would ask over an over again if
his daddy left because I said “oh baloney” to him? I always told him no and
then I made sure never to say that to my son because I guess I had said it to
his dad. I never wanted him to think that if I said “oh baloney” he would be
gone. Once I would tell my son that was not the reason he would say “OK” and
run off to play.
What are your thoughts about this subject? Please feel free to leave a comment, it would be appreciated.
My ex did not live in the same state as us and that had its
good points and bad points but I always encouraged him to call the kids as
often as possible. The calls came in at first once a week then every other week
then shortly maybe once month. They did not see him for till about a year later
then after that not till nine years later. If my kids wanted to send him a gift
or write a letter or send a picture I always helped them to do so. I never
wanted them to feel that I was keeping them away from him. Unfortunately since
their never received much contact except for once a year at Christmas my kids
stopped wanting to send him things or try to call him. However, even than I
never talked bad about their dad nor allowed anyone to say anything bad about
him to them. My kids tell me that they are glad that I never did say bad things
about their dad. Now as they are older they have each tried to rebuild a
relationship with their dad and he is trying to bridge the gap he created with
them.
This is just one of the issues Parenting On Your Own is
going to be dealing with in terms of how to help a parent navigate through the
road map of divorce or a breakup and how to do it with the least amount of
anxiety to the child then what they will already be feeling. Stay tuned the
Launch will be in late November.
This is our kids just before the our divorce happened weren't they two adorable little kids? They loved their dad and their mom. It was heart
wrenching enough to watch them go through the divorce I did not want to add
anything more that would only add to their poor little broken hearts. I did not
want them to think or feel that it was their fault that their dad left I made
sure of that. Though this issue would pop up from time to time and we would
deal with it each time that it did.
The smiles on their little faces back then would turn into
sad little faces but we worked through it all. I read books on divorce and
children, I went to counseling, took the kids to a couple of counseling
sessions and I joined some groups as well. I wanted to learn how to cope and
deal for myself as well as for my children. And, I must say I am pretty darn
proud of my two kids they are the best despite the divorce we all went
through!
FYI I also never told them that their dad was confused and
that he really did love them in his own kind of way. I did not tell them
anything like that because I did not want them growing up thinking that love
meant it was OK to be hurt, sad and confused. That it was OK to be a dad and
not be a part of their children’s lives. I can’t tell you how many adults I
have spoken to who have issues with showing love and giving love because they
had a parent who was not in their life. I shall save this topic for another
day.
What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment and let me know what you think or what your thought is on the subject!
And, so it goes…
